Update after the hiatus

Have had a hiatus on this blog as I face a struggle on penning down thoughts that seem pretty much repetitive in context. Have had quite a bit going on in the first 6 months in pretty much all aspects of life. Best buddies getting hitched, the ever changing work environment and also some developments on the personal front took up much effort and prescience over the first six months. 

I've pretty much adopted the mindset that a good life lived probably isn't much one that is full of creature comforts nor that of enhanced hedonism, but one that is filled with continuous struggles and suffering and seeing how one responds to those moments of adversity. The dukka that permeates each and every aspect of life lends perspective to a difficult situation at work, or a difficult relationship. 

What matters the most to me presently is the overarching aim of becoming a better person in every possible way, through each experience, regardless of whether that particular experience is determined as "good" or "bad. What has definitely changed over the last couple of years is a slow but sure movement towards that of a process focus, rather than a goal focus. 

Work continues to take up most of the aforementioned struggles and suffering, and at times I do have to remind myself that this is perhaps the best way to put myself through the fire and emerge stronger and more resilient through each transaction, without thinking much of the monthly income that pads the fuck you portfolio. 

The one thing I'm grateful for is the ability to make a difference to the lives of the more junior bankers, to shape thoughts, perceptions and have some form of influence (mostly positive I hope) where they can learn something outside of just the purism of investment banking. That being said, am still grateful to have a relatively secure job despite the various waves of retrenchment that have hit close to home. Have had a couple of friends and acquaintances who lost their ricebowls over the past few months - all I hope is that they land feet up, eventually. 

Feeling at tad philosophical and pensive on this nice cool Saturday afternoon, with a relatively freed up weekend for once. Quite heavily leaning towards exploring more of the stoical philosophy and double down on the meditation as I seek to develop my capacity for equanimity and tranquility, whilst I let the portfolio and financial freedom targets take care of themselves - the best thing about this is that those are pretty much on auto-pilot as you program in the key parameters. 

A strong glimmer of hope that there's definitely much more to come over the next half of the year with the social calendar pretty much cleared up and what seems like a renewed focus over the last couple of days. Like the soccer team I have supported through the years, I try to make it a habit of ending strong (and finishing in the top 4 for champions league places... haha). 

Hope all is well with you guys out there. If it's not, just remember that it too will pass, and you'll eventually be well if you wish so. :) 

Patience

On stretches of weeks like these, it seems that the only thing I'm living and working for is to F.I.R.E. A lull in motivation requires an increased level of patience with the bullshit that's constantly perpetuating in the workplace (it's like the freaking Kraken - the more you try to kill it, the larger it grows), and an added dose of naivety could certainly help in paving the way forward. 

These are times when I blame my seemingly hell bent analytical ability in calling management bullshit, and could certainly benefit from being a greenhorn believing in all that management espouses. Truth is nothing short of there being a constant sucker at the table, and if you don't know who the sucker is, it's probably you. Gone are the days I'll tell the more seasoned junior bankers that hey maybe it's actually good for us that management is doing such and such; and took on the belief that more work for you means more good experiences for your resume and character building, when all it means is the same shit repeated again, which you could probably build more experience learning about gardening (no puns intended). 

One of the few things that help with getting through phases like this would be repeating the mantra "Patience my young padawan learner, these times too shall pass. Just make the best out of what you can do and focus on the other good things going on in your life." 

It's a seemingly perpetual fight between the dark side and the light side. Oh yea Mr RB35, don't wander too deep into the dark side... Light is at the end of the tunnel. Just another 2.5 more years, like another national service duration and you'll be set for life. 

Oh well, the bullshit we feed ourselves to keep us going. Seems like I'm no different from my bosses, just different targets, that's all. *sheepish* :) 

The Limited Use of Willpower

When I was a teenager, I used to have what seems like a copious amount of willpower - waking up before 0500 to put in a good hour and a half studying and catching up with the school work; losing up to 30 kg in a short 8 months time frame, and generally just coping and adapting well to the demands that school has placed.

When I started doing investment banking as an Analyst, well I didn't really need to call on my willpower given the pervasive use of the why that I constantly dangled over the top of my head in order to keep the wheels going true. But these days, with more time in my schedule, I have to deploy a conscious and concerted effort to implement some positive initiatives that will add value to my living. Say... instead of coming back home and gorging myself on TV serials (seriously Americans make legendary entertainment products... where do they get all these creativity from??), or drinking myself silly (beer creates endorphins and leads to good time...), perhaps a bout of HIIT workout or reading up on new concepts that can help me in future life (such as natural foraging, backpacking, human physiology, etc.) might be a more productive use of my time.

And that's when I realise that by lord, my willpower (the stat that I felt was one of the highest in my hero character attributes) wasn't that high anymore. I started noticing this when I choose to fucking sleep in most of the time. Say out of 10 times when I choose to wake up early to work out, I'll do it twice. Which is pretty fucking lame...

So I did some research and realise that it's probably my job that's burning a huge amount of my willpower on a daily basis, and my brain, realising that the reserves of willpower will be required during the course of the day, decides to switch off. Or well, at times when my willpower has been totally suckered out by the daily grind, well the cold can of Tiger beer in the fridge ain't that hard to resist...

I'm still trying to figure out a useful and productive hack that I can employ for this, and have done some research around creating systems and wiring habits into the fray. I'll definitely be reading more into this area and will come back with my experience and suggestions on how to make things better. But if you guys have something that has helped you to deal with these type of situations in the past, please shout out!

Beware - The Ego Trap

One of the pitfalls that many people encounter when embarking onto something novel in a bid to for self improvement is this very thing called the ego trap. The more commonly used abbreviation could be something along the lines of "one-upmanship", or constant comparison and thinking that one human being is better than another because of [x]. 

Here is an simple example: "I ran 10km today while you sat on a couch walloping the entire bag of kettle-chips when you should have been doing kettle-bells. Chips are not bells. I ran while you snoozed, therefore I am superior to you."

The ego is inherent in every human being, and whilst the ego itself is innately not a bad thing, one should learn that falling into the ego trap, where you mistakenly think that you are better than someone because of something you have or have not done or possess, is a sure way to allowing Kali, the Goddess of Destruction, a field day pass of fun and games into your personal relationships. 

After all, Fat Bob the Builder whose couch territory you have just invaded there, does not even want to hear how General Maximus Aurelius, Commander of the Armies of the North is superior to him (something that might actually be a fact...), much less Tan Ah Kow who in the past 6 months, has only just slogged out one 10km run on a threadmill in an air-conditioned atmosphere, and then openly or indirectly hinted that he's a better man... 

So how can one manage his ego better? My thoughts revolve around being more aware of your surroundings and social environment, and to focus on developing yourself as a better person in every way on a daily basis, instead of being competitive and bench-marking yourself against your peers or environment - i.e. in other words, adopt a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset (social psych buzzword of the last couple of months), which though it does make a lot of sense, is something that is extremely hard to adopt and make a solid habit out of.

Every day a better man, in every way. I think that itself is a hard enough target, but certainly a worthy one to strive towards. 

Nostalgia

Was digging up old photos for one of my best friend's wedding that's coming up real soon and wow, those memories back in JC and secondary school sure came flooding right back into my life.

Close friendships that were formed previously, and of course the sweet budding relationships that couldn't last the test of time and the lack of maturity. Add a strong dose of the Cranberries belting out their ever enduring tunes in the background, and voila, one enters into an overwhelming sense of nostalgia :)

More than 15 years have passed since my sec school days, and I am extremely grateful to have had kept that bunch of sec sch / JC friends close to my heart, something which I do admit to having taken for granted at times. Looking back, it seems like the bonds forged during the innocence of youth have certainly endured the test of time, and they most certainly look well poised to build for the future.

To lasting and genuine relationships with the friends in our lives, that is certainly the one thing that money can't buy. And to future milestones in life, that have been shaped through emboldened conversations out on that third floor balcony after a few rounds of drinks and our trusty XBOX 360. Yes, you guys know who you are.

These are most certainly one of the moments that gives meaning to living.

Role Models

This would possibly be one of the most doled out pieces of advice provided to young graduates fresh out of college and thrown into the frying pan  the workforce - that is to find some role models you adopt best practices from and emulate to bring about career success. Most people listen, nod (I know I sure did, looked out for how the best junior bankers went about their daily life, and started consciously picking up habits from them) and attempt to adhere to that very advice, to varying degrees of success.

I do believe that very piece of advice could be applied more pervasively to life - pick your role models not just in your work place, but the very character traits and daring that those human beings have actually shown on a consistent basis to how they have lived / are living their life. With a tad (or perhaps a huge dollop) of jadedness, it does seem that well you could certainly pick up career enhancing skill-sets such as being able to bullshit communicate effectively with your clients, being a star kiss-arse manager in both managing effectively up and dumping on your junior bankers down, but would these help in living a more fulfilling and satisfying life?

Yeah, these days, I do having the recurring thought that yeah I certainly could pick up some skills from the senior bankers in my team, but whether these skills are even meaningful would perhaps be the more important question to address. I gaze into the crystal ball and shudder struggle with the possibility of being in their position some 5 to 10 years from now. Well, the blunt truth is that I certainly don't want to be like them.

So what does one do if your primary environment does not provide you with an available supply of mentoring in determining how to live meaningfully? Well, the answer would perhaps be in the tomes of historical books available from wide ranging philosophers, and the great big internet that offers an opinion (unsolicited mostly like this article :) ) for your discerning analysis.

The wonders of modern times - sometimes I wonder if my parents and their comrades did struggle with these existential thoughts back in their time, and the brazen audacity this 30 year old kid has thinking about living on his own terms.

Thoughts on volatility

Back in 2007 / 2008, I was still in college when the global economy went through a market meltdown. For those who could use a primer in what caused the crisis back then, a useful and entertaining short 3 hour option would be to catch "The Big Short", a movie that does just about enough to encapsulate the origins of the global financial crisis back in the day, while providing a modicum of entertainment (hey finance can be pretty boring to most people alright).

I recall being feeling a little frustrated then, at being left on the sidelines, given a lack of income at that point in life and being unable to make decisions that could have reaped monetary benefits a couple of years later (case in point: wanted to place a punt when Citibank was c. US$1, but lacked savings and income to do so.)

History never repeats itself, but it certainly does rhyme. 8 years later, a similar form of market volatility has persisted since last summer, but the good thing about it is that I possess some existing ammunition and monthly re-supplies that will help in taking advantage of this situation. Now the thing about market volatility is that whilst the large majority of people do find it fear-inducing and even abhorrent to a certain extent, is that it allows one to to engage in the age of adage of buying low and selling high. And this is as good as a time to engage in setting oneself up for financial independence, or even fast forwarding the date come a few years later.

So even though I find myself facing more headwinds in my current job, and an increased apathy towards it given recent circumstances, I do think I'll be doing myself a big disservice by saying fuck it. Maybe the best play would be to stick with it and play down the efforts until one gets fired, but that itself would be going against my inherent characteristics of basically giving it my best shot, all of the time.

So the best play would be to stick with it, and invest every single available dollar in the market, whilst waiting for the bulls to takeover the market and history to rhyme again, which it most certainly will in due time, or at least play that hand until the referee calls time on musical chairs and one gets canned. It does certainly suck when one experiences c. S$90k in paper losses in one month, but one needs to be disciplined, resilient and persevere with the planned course of action, because these times are the the times that would make or break your goals in a couple of years time.

The worst thing an investor can do is to liquidate his portfolio right now and seek "safe harbor" in investments that are perceived to be safe, such as fixed income instruments, when prices on that front are going up. If you believe your investment thesis to be right, you should stick the course and not do a switcheroo when markets are going against you. That'll be disastrous.

Mark those words on this day, and hopefully in a year or two, one can look back at this blog post to see how their results have panned out.