Expenses - October 2018

Total - S$1,332.49

Spent much less moolah this month, largely because I headed off for silent retreat during the last week or so of October . 

I didn't quite intend it to be this way, but spending time working on the mind at a meditation center seems to jive with saving monies, as its mostly donations only concept, at least at those centers I've been to in Asia. And its a double win, cos you'll work on yourself at the same time and imbue simplicity into your daily life. 

Eating Out and Alcohol were the two main contributors this month. Bought some drinks for my family at Oktoberfest and stocked up on some good stuff from DFS when I got back from Taiwan in early October. Despite that, I realise that I have actually cut down on my propensity to drink - perhaps not much need to dull the senses to actually prepare for work? :)

Self Improvement rounded up the top 3 contributors. The usual yoga subscription and 2 books on Chan meditation contributed to this. 

I'm 67% under budgeted expenses for Oct 2018, which is what it is, and I didn't feel deprived at all during the month. I don't have the mindset that I actively need to save money and cut costs, and I ponied up where I wanted to or needed to. That being said, my natural disposition is to find value in what I invest or spend on. 

So the sentiment so far is that I'm happy, and perhaps the budget of S$4,000 per month of spending for my current circumstances might be over budgeting so far. But let's see how November turns out. 

Expenses - September 2018

Total - S$2,650.53

First ever expenses post even though I've been monitoring expenses since mid 2015. I reckon it's mostly motivated by my new found situation and to see if I can maintain my personal budget of less than S$4,000 monthly as I wade into the post F.I.R.E lifestyle.  

Total expenses tallied at S$2,650.53 and have been split into various categories. I use cash accounting for my own standards, albeit taking credit card payments as "cash payments" even though they are due c. 1 month later. 

Vacation expenses contributed almost c.50% to total expenses this month as I spent c. 2 weeks in Taiwan and booked some air tickets and hotels for Thailand next January. 

Food consumption under "Eating Out" is next on the list. This is remarkably lesser compared to records when I was employed granted most of that came from hawker centers and food courts instead of restaurants. That being said, I won't be able to claim S$500 to S$700 of monthly expenses from my old employer under this category anymore. 

Self Improvement comprises yoga classes and books. I've a monthly subscription to a yoga studio that allows for unlimited visits and that works out to be c S$144 a month. Bought a book from Book Depository as well. 

Transportation was basically a S$50 top up to my EZ Link and S$64 road tax for my motorcycle. 

And that's a distilled round up of my expenses in September 2018. 

Random thoughts on gratitude

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of what a lucky guy I am, that there's so many things to be grateful for in my life. The past 5 days have indeed been a huge wake up call to show more appreciation to what I have, instead of constantly desiring for even more. 

Here's a song / poem I've had the chance to come across over the last 5 Days. 

"In gratitude, you have watered the seeds of love in me in gratitude, 

In gratitude, I will water seeds of love in someone too.

I know you're there for me, and I am so happy. 

In gratitude, you have watered seeds of love in me in gratitude, 

In gratitude, I will water the seeds of love in someone too.

and when you suffer some, just call and I will come" 

- Plum Village 

There's so much to be grateful for in my life, and if I could list down perhaps the first 13 things that come to my mind at this point in time... 

1. I've got a great team and boss at work who have been nothing but short of supportive in what I do
2. Despite 1, I still be leaving my job behind in just a few months time
3. I'm financially independent before 33 years of age 
4. I've a totally blank canvas to paint whatever I want to paint in few months time
5. I've had a chance to experience the Dhamma and receive proper teaching 
6. I've in good health and decent shape 
7. I've got great parents who raised my siblings and I in a loving environment
8. I've got a great pair of siblings who are really supportive and provide great company 
9. I've got a great set of friends who are multi faceted, supportive and are always there for me 
10. I've discovered and am building a meditation practice 
11. I've discovered the practice of yoga and am diligently developing my yoga practice 
12. Even though I don't ride that often these days, I still own and have had a chance to ride a motorcycle - that's an exhilarating feeling!
13. Many more... 

I go to bed tonight with much content, gratitude and a heart bursting full of you; and I invite you, my dear reader, to perhaps set aside a few seconds to think of what you could be grateful for, at this very present moment when you are reading this. 

If nothing comes to mind, perhaps you could enjoy these two meditative melodic trance songs that have been in my favourites list for the longest time. Have a great week ahead! 

Kaskade (feat. Mindy Gledhill) - Eyes 

Oceanlab - Lonely Girl (Gareth Emery Remix)

 

Project Django Unchained - Pulling the Trigger

I'm penning this as I watch Hans Zimmer in Concert - Prague 2017 on Netflix. 

For the uninitiated, Hans Zimmer is one of pre-eminent composers for movie scores of all times. He's written scores for movies such as Black Hawk Down, The Dark Knight Rises, Crimson Tide, Sherlock Holmes, Inception, etc to name a few. I'm a big movie fan, and a closet fan of symphonic music given my teenage influence from playing in the band for 6 years - I'll strongly urge you to check out Hans Zimmer. You might actually like his music! 

I digress. 

It has been a tough few weeks at the office. Since my last post, I've actually begun execution of my plan to leave the bank. Got my finances sorted out, medical check ups done, and steeled myself to pull away from the herd, without a major push factor in the way. 

And when the medical results came back all good (or rather a decent baseline that I could work with), I followed through on my plan and started communicating my desire to leave the bank to my immediate supervisor and direct business head. I won't go into the intricacies of the conversations I had in this post - it'll probably be another post by itself (and I can't fathom writing in detail about that so maybe I'll just skip it in totality) or maybe I'll just skip it totally, but the bottom line is that the trigger has been pulled, the bullet is out of the gun, and boom motherf*cker there is absolutely no way back :) 

At this juncture (over 2 plus weeks since I'll pulled the trigger), I'm still in a bit of a grey area in terms of leaving date, mechanics, etc and what not, and coupled by the fact that my contractual notice period is a couple of months, it's been a bit of a funky period where I know I'm gonna bounce eventually in the next few months or so, but I'm still CRANKING. 

Cranking, just like a first year investment banker out of college, and it's been god knows more than eight years or so. *cues the score from Gladiator, or actually maybe a more apt scene would be Helms Deep of LOTR* 

The ironic thing about this is I have had a relatively peaceful lead in to 2018, but over the last month or so, work has picked up tremendously. I find myself in the cross-hairs of leading a cross border elephant transaction that spans China, Hong Kong, Europe and Singapore, and guess who's the lead banker on the execution process? That's absolutely right Sir, yours truly. 

Straddling both internal management, the junior bankers and the client, lies RB35, who has put in a request to resign and is leading an elephant transaction. For the uninitiated, an elephant transaction is one that brings in ate least c. US$10m of revenues. That means a lot of senior management oversight and RB35 is right smack in the spotlight with no way of shunning it :) 

The irony of it all is that I'm halfway through the door, but I'm still leading an elephant deal, and I'm not lessening any effort to get the transaction through. In fact, I'm multiplying my efforts and doubling down on the process, rolling with the punches and trying to push for the appropriate economic landing. 

Ah - the travails that accompany certain inherent character traits. And you know what? These 4 weeks have reinforced the notion that I'm doing the right thing. That I want to forge a better path for myself and investment banking is not the right path for me. Coupled with the palpable relief that I felt ex-communication of leaving desires to my bosses, this transmutes to a sense that of.... absolute liberation at this time. 

A feeling of liberation even though I've been working non stop day in day out since the end of April. And that feels pretty sweet, like the taste of tangerine nectar on a hot summer day. 

I don't know when exactly my last day of running this investment banking gig will be, but I sure am excited for what is to come thereafter. And that is, like what I mentioned to a confidante last Sunday, a blank slate where I can draw whatever I want to draw :) 

F.I.R.E - here I come! 

Project Django Unchained - Conceptualization

Long time readers will know that attaining freedom from the corporate world has been a particular favorite project of mine for the longest time.

It started way before I even joined the corporate world on a full-time basis. Talk about unhealthy obsessions :)

For years, I've been scrimping, saving, investing and busting my hump to achieve this elusive target, and over the past couple of years , like a ragged marathoner hitting the wall enroute to the finish line, I've struggled.

I've struggled with the below, and I have arrived at a stage where I feel like I've adequately addressed my key concerns with sufficient mitigants.

Get ready for a wall of text.

Dealing with key concerns and emotions

Greed

1) Desire for more: If S$[1.0]m AUM is fine, pretty damn sure S$[1.2]m is 20% better yes, and that means more money to drawdown when I finally leave for good? Maybe I'll ride the gravy train for another year and see how it goes..

Mitigant: Bro, there's a concept of enough, and records show that you've not been spending enough. Your passive income has covered your historical expenses by 1.93x, and that passive income was based on a more conservative safe withdrawal and AUM growth profile. Also, when was it your mission in life to get more stuff? You tried that for awhile and it didn't yield that much satisfaction, remember? 

2) Growing my AUM: Nothing beats the satisfaction of seeing your AUM increase by [10]% year or year, and throwing your savings into investments. A sweet analogy I like to use when work gets rough - I'm trading my time for a whole load of corporate robots who'll (a) never ever take a sick day, (b) never ever talk back, (c) always be hustling 24/7 for more money on my behalf, and that's comforting to know. The notion of having to actually use these bad boys to support a lifestyle when there's no salary didn't sound quite so appealing.

Mitigant: The major satisfaction from seeing your AUM grow is the illusion of safety. It might not really be an illusion but what are you? Space Boy? Come'on dude, too safe isn't fun, nor does it make you feel alive. In any case, you're already safe and spending more time accumulating the stockpile, while that would probably provide additional safety, the safety that comes with that accumulation would only be marginal. Do you really want to spend more time getting [1]% return on time? 

Also, you have cash reserves to last you for a minimum of 1.25 years before you even drawdown on AUM. If you really feel that this lifestyle isn't for you and you don't want to drawdown on AUM then, you could go back to the office. 

3) More stuff: Perhaps I might want to get a district 9, 10, 11 condominium in future? It might be nice to finally buy a BMW sports car or splash the cash on a nice Ducati sports bike eh. Man, will I actually feel like I've missed out when my peers get their hands on these babies?

Mitigant: Well, well, I didn't quite know that life was a dick measuring competition. Come'on mate, life is for living and you know where you derive happiness mostly from. Yes, that's right, it's from having copious amounts of freedom and developing yourself. Remember the most sustainable happy times weren't the times when you bought stuff (or maybe you just haven't bought any real stuff yet :p)? 

It's when you when you lived simply in meditation retreat, practiced yoga, or had a meaningful experience (regardless of whether that experience was hard or easy). Your main mode of transport is public transport; you have stayed in spartan accommodation, lived/visited public housing before and there wasn't quite a consideration of "this is not good enough" during those times. In any case, if you really want to get it in the future, you know you'll be able to afford it on the basis of trading more time for it... so why worry about this at present?

Fear

4) Fear of the unknown: What am I going to do with all that time? I put in at least 10 hours at work daily. That's a whole load of time to spend with myself. Am I going to waste my life watching TV, playing computer games and just generally dicking around? You've got to retire to something you know for sure you want to do yes?

Mitigant: Yes, you might not know how exactly you're going to spend your time, although you are already making the most out of your free time to develop yourself by reading, working out, doing yoga and developing your meditation practice. That could potentially be a route to take yourself down further as you have gained happiness and meaning from it.  

Also, uncertainty may not be a bad thing as you realign yourself and focus on the things that matter and bring happiness to you. Remember, the most uncertain times in your life have yielded the best results - dropping out of course during NS, failure to get into a particular CCA during university, etc. 

Lastly, would you rather a certain misery or an uncertain future where you have a good measure of confidence to effect happiness? It's challenging, no shit, but you dig challenges as a generally intellectually curious individual and you'll be more than just fine here. 

5) Fear of missing out: Am I going to miss out on all the corporate perks, the banter in the office, the colleagues, and perhaps a certain standard of lifestyle that I know will be attainable if I just plod on for a few more years? Similar to 3)

Mitigant: Hey dude, maybe you should count the amount of banter in the office that you actually enjoy, and contrast that with the stress that comes with it. Yep, doesn't sound like a nice exchange now isn't it? Also what is it and lifestyle inflation? You're happy with your simple lifestyle now and expenses level - do you really want to be eating CUT every weekend or staying in D9,10 and 11 and trading your life for that? Yep I guessed so, that's an empathetic now. 

You've also got your insurance policies squared away now, and besides that you won't really miss those corporate perks such as dinner allowances and cab rides home - it's not like you're milking all of that daily in any case.. Also, how many colleagues do you even see on the weekends or have progressed to friends outside of work over the last 8 years or so? Yea, I thought I was a couple digits of just 1 miserly hand. Maybe you'll miss the intellectual exchanges but that's where you've lucked out - your close group of friends have the same, if not ability to better that. 

6) Fear that this decision will be irreversible: I know I've got a sweet job - I have generally good bosses and colleagues, am paid well enough even by global industry standards, and the work is intellectually interesting (at least 25% of the time). What if I need to go back to work and I can't find another gig like that?

Mitigant: C'mon mate, the only few things that are factually irreversible at this point is contracting HIV, coming back from the dead, or you turning gay overnight. You have a core set of investment banker skills that you can always deploy if you need to. And you've got more than 8 years of experience, that puts you squarely in mid level execution banker which is something the industry lacks these day cos, millenials and their 2 year job changes hurr hurr :) 

You might not get a gig this sweet, but you'll definitely be able to get another gig if you wanted, or had to. 

7) Fear that I'm not making the best use of my life: Will I waste my life if I quit just like that? Will I be throwing whatever I've worked so hard for even before undergrad days by by leaving the workforce?

Mitigant:  Not making the best use of your life would be staying in the office to do something you don't quite feel for so as to accumulate more money to feel satisfied and safe that you have a nest egg. Remember dude, the sole purpose of undertaking this investment banking gig wasn't to go through 100 hour work weeks to end up delaying gratification forever. 

And look what you've got now. The privilege of choosing, of choosing to try something out for yourself that might yield more happiness, and ultimately choosing to undertake living a fulfilled life once you've left banking and not look back. In any case, see the point on life being irreversible. 

8) Fear of letting folks down: I feel obligated to address the concerns of my parents, and the suggestion of going without a full time job hasn't exactly garnered much support has it? Also, your team took a chance on you a couple years back and brought you in for the wilderness. They taught you how to do your job and now you're leaving the team?

Mitigant:  The great thing is that you've already fully addressed this with your parents by talking to them. Any they are supportive of your decision. Oh by the way, it's not like you're going to stop giving them allowances. You've already factored that into your annual expenses and passive income coverage ratio. 

And on the point on letting your team down - you've given a good part of your life to them too mate. It's a fair trade. You'll also volunteer to stay for an additional period of time to train up the new guy if it helps with staffing issues. What's not fair is having 2nd thoughts about your job and staying on, because your output probably has not been maximized. 

9) Fear of losing my identity: What would people think of me if I'm jobless?

Mitigant:  Come'on mate. that's not consistent with your current attitude, which can be summed up in your dressing where you don't dress like you give two fucks about people's impressions of you. Why would that change now that you're jobless. In fact it's even better because that cuts through all pretenses and folks will see through to the fundamental essence of you ASAP. You'll do better without any potential gold diggers. 

And in any situation, there'll always be nay-sayers. You've been through stuff like that before, and you actually enjoy it when you're underdog and underestimated. :) 

10) Fear of shit happening: What if the math does not work out? Or a catastrophe happens?

Mitigant:  Dude, "catastrophes" are part of life. You've already done what you can to insure and protect yourself against those, and you've got adequate reserves and a more than sufficient safety margin. You did the math, had some buddies look through the numbers and addressed those comments you've got from them.

It's time to trust, to trust in the math, to trust in the process, and trust in your ability to adapt and overcome if the situation becomes untenable.  

Pulling the Trigger 

If you've made it through the above regurgitation of emotional F.I.R.E baggage, please give yourself a pat on the back.

It has taken me sometime to address my reservations on pulling the trigger, and these thoughts and emotions were the main cause of concern, together with the absence of a lack of a push factor actually, as seen through my blog posts and recent exchanges.

However, recent events and meetings over the past month or so have inspired me to execute this trigger process.

I'll refrain from listing these events out (at least in this post), but the main thought that has crossed my mind is that I'll be letting myself down if I don't exercise this privilege of actually trying to go for it, trying to lead a more meaningful life when I have the chance to, and when I look back in life as I age, I know I'll regret that I did not pull the trigger.

A case could be made for pulling the trigger later, but it gets harder to do so with each year, and a confluence of factors have made this the opportune time to execute this experiment:

* The belief that I have enough financial resources to try sustaining this lifestyle in perpetuity

* Parents are still in good health but they are over 70 or on the wrong side of 65. They do not have much time left

* Am on the right side of 35, but am on the wrong side of 30, but the right time to try something new. Staying one more year would make it harder to leave and head down a new direction  

* Am out of a serious relationship without any financial liabilities
* AUM increase from staying another year, while it may be a sizable six figure sum, wouldn't drastically improve living conditions and options
* Stock compensation left on table, while in the six figure amount, is till manageable psychologically, but will get worse next year, and every year
* Work is only going to get worse and I've lost quite a bit of interest in it. The marginal utility from the effort involved isn't quite enough anymore. I would like to leave on a good note
* I have a more developed yoga and meditation practice and am confident this is something I'll like to dedicate more time to

So come hell or high water and barring any material adverse events, I'm going to go ahead to execute Project Django Unchained and free myself from the addiction of a monthly pay cheque by 30 June 2018.

Oh yes, did I mention execution is one of my key strengths? :p

Wish me strength and luck!

Being Happy and Finding Meaning

I've noticed that the closer I've gotten to my targeted "escape velocity", the stronger the rumination on the big picture narrative of "finding meaning" at work and how work doesn't provide much meaning to my lithe nondescript existence. 

Some days I just feel like deploying the FU card, but deploying it as a means to "retire from something" as opposed to "retire to something" just doesn't quite make sense to my rational mind, especially when there's no real strong push factor.

Cognizant that I actually enjoy the process of "suffering" that has yielded practical benefits (even if it in itself does contributes perhaps at maximum 10-20%  towards success) such as being able to accumulate this sizable amount at this stage in life - this makes it even harder to leave if there is nothing to leave to.

This constant rumination, while possibly helpful from a strategic standpoint, might not exactly be beneficial on a day to day basis. What I did find helpful in my particular situation is instead to be mindful that this is merely a thin slice of my existence, and I have many roles to play, that includes, in no particular order of importance and in a non-exhaustive manner:

* Being a Son;

* Being a Brother;

* Being a close confidante to a trusted group of friends;

* Being an investor;

* Being a lover;

* Being a human being;

* Being a colleague;

* Being a mentor at work and at my alma matter;

* Being a neighbor;

* Being a cousin / nephew / uncle;

* Being an acquaintance;

* Being perhaps an inspiration to a stranger;

* Being a consumer; and

* The list goes on

And while F.I.R.E could perhaps allow me to develop or find more meaning in the list of roles above, I could perhaps, in a more sensible fashion, not focus too much on a big picture narrative of "finding meaning in life" by leaving my job, but perhaps actually start to be a better [son / brother / friend / lover] right now.

That's not to say that I should put the F.I.R.E process on the back bench, but maybe let it run on auto-pilot like a good system should, and then observe and tweak it from time to time to let things run its course, and focus on the things that really matter, and focus on the overarching life goal to find and be happy, at the current moment, with each and every situation that life has to offer.

I truly believe that being happy is a choice, no matter what life throws at us, and while that notion is hard to practically adopt than to spout, I'm trying to make that work as a guiding philosophy in my life.

After all, it's easier for me to be a negative pessimist, but that's not going to help in real life. I choose happiness, and while I'm eager to see what the rest of 2018 will bring, I'm happy, and positively grateful, with what I'm currently experiencing right now, at this stage.

Dear Reader, do you reckon happiness is a choice or a circumstance?